Thank You Joseph Smith

(All material copywrite 2006 God Virus, don't fuck around biotch!)

Chapter I

“Get up you sleepy head, don’t sleep the day away. ”
Malachi groaned, gritting his teeth and scratching himself. It was the alarm clock of Snow White standing over Sleepy that his daughter had given for his birthday. Every morning he used it out of love for her but secretly it made him want to drive a nail through his head. On cue his kids began rushing into the bedroom. His young son Michael as usual had one of his ties rapped around his head. He pointed his toy gun at him, “G-g-g-g-g-g-G-Unit.”
His little daughter began waddling in, crumbling cheerios deeper into the recesses of her messy black hair.
“Daddy I made a mess.”
“O.K. honey, where’s your Mom?
“She went shopping with Grandma.”
Michael gave her a push, “Shut up you trick-ass hoe.”
He pointed the toy gun at her temple. Malachi shot upright form his bed and shook a finger at his son “Hey now, Michael, remember what we talked about, O.K? Your sister is beautiful, intelligent, and someday she’ll be the first female President of the United States. Now get that stupid tie off your head and go clean your room or you’re gonna have a bad day.”
Michale bumpily shot out of the room. He slammed his door shut and the sounds of angry black men began to erupt form his room. “Daddy can we get ice cream Bannana Jerry’s?"
“You mean Ben and Jerry’s pumpkin? Pumpkin ‘umpkin?," he poked her in the belly and she started giggling, “O.K. Let’s go look at this mess.”
He rubbed her dirty head and held her hand as they made their way down to the kitchen. It looked like a bomb had gone off. “ Michael, get down here right now, I know some of this mess is yours.” He began opening the large box filled with the book of Mormon. He paused to open one of the books and read a random passage. He beamed as the wisdom of Joseph Smith radiated outward and lit up his entire morning. Suddenly, a Folger’s coffee commercial came on television, “It’s a brand new day!”
His daughter began shaking his on his pants leg. “Bannana Jerry’s, Daddy.”
“We will later sweet, but first, Daddy’s going prostylitizing. All right, let’s see here. First house on the list: Mr. and Mrs. Violet .”
A short while later he had arrived at the Violet residence. He adjusted his nice white dress shirt and rang the doorbell. A gorgeous Asiatic women answered the door. She was dressed as if she was about to go work out. “Hi,” he said as he shook her hand.
“Hi,” she said warmly. What e nice looking teeth she had. “I’m here to share with you the Book of Mormon and the miracle of Joseph Smith.”
She paused. “All right,” she said ,” Please come in.”
“Thank you is your husband home?”
“No, he’s at work right now. Would you care for a drink?”
Malachi could not believe how well it was going.“Oh sure. Thank you for your hospitality. What is it your husband does for a living?”
“He’s been designing a set of audio meditation tapes that induce different brain wave states in people while they’re in waking consciousness. Scotch?”
“That’s very fascinating. Please.”
Mrs. Violet handed him the glass of Scotch as he sat down on a big comfy couch their living room. “Now what is it you do for a living Mrs. Violet?”
“Please, call me Tammy,” she said as she made her way past the liquor bar. It seemed strangely dark in the house considering how sunny it was outside. For some reason the house reminded Malachi of one of those haunted house rides he and his friends used to go on. “Oh, I mostly just sit at home here by myself,” she said, as she began reclining on a leather couch with a drink in her hand.
“So, tell me about the book of Mormon.”
“Well, uh, few people would deny that Joseph Smith is the greatest intellectual and spiritual genius of the twentieth century.”
“I know a man at the grocery store who’s Mormon. More Scotch? You drank that rather quickly?”
“All right, thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“So audio meditation tapes you say?”
She was bent over at the bar. “Well, they’re CDs actually.”
She handed him another glass of Scotch and returned to her couch digging her feet into the leather interior. He took a large sip of Scotch and stared at her feet. He was completely mesmerized by them. He needed to stop drinking or he would not be able to stop staring at them. “That sounds interesting, I’ve never tried that before.” “Oh, would you like to? My husband has plenty of them just lying around.” “Umm…all right.”
“O.K. Hang on.”
She left the living room and returned with a large CD booklet. “Hmm… This is a new one. I don’t think this one’s been used by a whole lot of people. Test #666. Well, let’s try it out. Just put these headphones on and relax. Malachi put the headphones on and sank deeper into a meditative state. Slowly, out of the inky blackness of his mind visions began to form. It was the city in which he lived but… everything had been blown up and destroyed. Strewn dead, charred bodies were scattered everywhere. Some sort of disaster had occurred. Suddenly he saw himself and Tammy Violet laughing together with their hands around each other’s waists. Malachi’s shirt was completely unbuttoned, ripped, and torn, and a large bleeding scar was on his face. He was taking large swigs of wine from a bottle in his hand. “Can you believe everyone else is gone? Now we have everything completely to ourselves?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too honey bunny.” Suddenly in the midst of his vision he felt a foot rubbing against his crotch. “Oh my fucking God!” he screamed as he ripped the headphones off and threw them at the floor.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I totally misunderstood,” she said as she guilty began to withdraw her feet from his lap. “No I mean…,”he absentmindedly placed a hand on her foot. She flashed him a dirty smile. “I mean what the hell is wrong with this thing?”
“What do you mean Mr…”
“Malachi.” “Do you have a last name?”
“People have a hard time pronouncing it. I mean, am I supposed to see…visions?”
“Sure, people in that kind of meditative state see things all the time. Why what did you see?”

Chapter II
Malachi sat at the kitchen table with his head in his hands. He had not completed his prostlytizing. God, you’re a married man for Chris sakes! So why, after he had seen those horrible visions did he end up drinking more, sucking Mrs. Violet’s toes, and having sex with her until her husband came home. He realized dejectedly that he was not a very good Mormon. At least he had managed to convert both the Violets. His wife came into the kitchen with her bedclothes still on. “Tired from doin’ the good work?”
“Yes. Could you please go quiet our son?” Michael and his young friend were sitting in the living room playing X-Box 360 and listening to Ice Cube’s War and Peace album. “Yo’ son, this shit is off the hook.”
“Shut up faggot.”
“You shut up, you punk ass bitch. I saw you down at the corner selling hand jobs for ten cents a piece.”
Juliet walked into the living room and shut everything off.
“All right, you two cannot hang out with each other if you’re going to use your dirty African American language.”
“Sheet! Later.”
“Later bro, peace.”
She came back into the kitchen. “There, feel better honey?,” she asked as she massaged his back. She puckered her lips at him. “Aaaah… I’ll go draw you up a nice hot bath.”
She strutted away and shortly he could hear the bath water running. “Oh man, I’m such an asshole,” he groaned to himself. Tonight he would pray extra hard and ask God for forgiveness. He got up from the table excitedly yes, that will make everything all right. Thank you Joseph Smith! Thank you! Thank you!
The next day Malachi stopped by Tammy Violet’s house on the way to work. She opened the front door. “Oh hi, Malachi. I didn’t expect to see you here today. I went out and bought some more toys.”
“No, I’ve got to go to work today. I was actually wondering if I could borrow some of your husband’s CDs. “
“Sure sexy pants. Come on in and I’ll copy them for you,” she said as she pinched his ass. After she was done Malachi drank more Scotch and gave her a foot rub. “Well, I’ve got go to work now.”
“O.K. Don’t show those CDs to anyone. If my husband found out I gave those to you he’d have a fit.”
“Of course, peace be with you”, he said as he exited her home. Soon he was on his way to work at the Cup Warmer factory. That was quite a prayer session I had with the big guy last night last night, he thought.
He drove past a large billboard movie sign with a giant computerized dancing penguin on it. Hmm…Happy Feet . I think I’ll take the kids to go see that, he thought. What a beautiful bright sunny God given morning! A Hispanic man with a squeegee came up to his S.U.V. window. “Not today hombre.” he said driving ahead. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw that the man was giving him the finger. That’s nice, he thought, well, you’re all going to hell anyway.
He pulled into the parking lot of Cup Warmer Inc. Employee preferred parking, that’s ‘cause I’m special, he beamed to himself. As he got out of his S.U.V. he saw his good buddy Steve. “Hey-hey Steve! Steve-O! Steve-O-rama!” “Ha. Ha. Yah, that SNL skit was pretty funny. So, did you see that Bears game?”
“No, I was busy yesterday.”
“Ah! Out doing the good work, eh?”
“You betcha,” said Malachi.
“Ah, hey, well, you keep it up you know. That Joseph Smith is like a fucking Leonardo Da Vinci or something man. Know what I’m saying?”
“He is indeed, the penultimate of all human evolutionary endeavors,” proclaimed Malachi as they entered the front door of Cup Warmers Inc.
“Morning gentlemen,” said their boss Mr. Jenkins when he had spotted them, “Malachi, I need to talk to you for a second.”
“Yes Mr. Jenkins?”
“How’s this weeks report on the latest cup warming accessories coming along, son?” “Just swell, Mr. Jenkins.”
“Hey good boy!” Mr. Jenkins gave him a pat on the back. “Hey did you see the O’reilly factor yesterday?”
“No I was busy.”
“Ah, that’s too bad. You know, I agree with him, I hate people too.”
" Yes sir,” said Malachi. “Good boy, now get back to work.”
Malachi sat at his desk and saw the beautiful Ashley strut past him coquettishly. “Hi Malachi.” “Hi! Good morning, Ashley.”
Malachi sat at his desk. O.K. Those cup warmer reports are important. Gotta do my duty as an American. But first he wanted to listen to one of those CDs. He put Test #666 in the computer CD tray and put on some headphones. I can’t see the same thing twice, he reasoned. Soon he was in a deep medititative state. This is very nice and tranquil, he thought, like being at the beach. This must be what heaven feels like. Suddenly, visions began to coalesce out of the pitch black vortex of his brain. It was his coworker Ashley. She lying completely naked on a tiger skinned rug. He looked deep into her almond colored pupils. “I know why you saw that vision Malachi.”
“Jesus mother fucking Christ! Shit!,” he screamed as he as he ripped the headphones off and began bashing them against his computer. He should never have taken that acid in college. A heavy set woman in the cubicle next to him with a beehive hairdo and the features of a tropical fish’s eyes bugged out of her head. “Excuse me”, she said, “I’m a Christian and I find that really offensive.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” said Malachi. “What’s going on here?” it was one of his many supervisors; the supervisor pointed a pen at his head, “Think about cup warmers, son. That’s what we’re paying you for.”
“Yes sir,” said Malachi. He sat in a daze until lunchtime. He waited for Ashley to walk past his cubicle. “Hi Malachi.”
“Ashley, would you like to have lunch with me?”
“Umm…sure Malachi,” she smiled at him. “I’m eating at the local bookstore Merlin’s Garden.”
“Oh cool, I’ve never been there before.”
They exited Cup Warmers Inc. together. “So why did you want to have lunch with me today Malachi?”
“Umm… I like working with you Ashley. I think you’re a nice person.”
She paused as she opened the car door and invited him inside. “I think your nice too, Malachi.”
She got in the car, grabbed her shades from the glove compartment and turned on the CD player. “Oh Pink Floyd, I used to listen to them in college.” “Fuck yah, man. Pink Floyd rocks.”
“What kind of food do they have at Merlin’s Garden?”
“Really good vegetarian food.”
A short while later they arrive at the park that was next to Merlin’s Garden and beautiful sunny beach. All kinds of people were sitting laughing and talking. Some were playing music and drinking brews. Others were paying beach sports. Couples sitting talked, a man reading a book in the shimmering spectral sunlight. He heard the soft twinkle of wind chimes and saw an old bearded man wearing a black T-shirt with a red anarchy symbol on it sitting on a stool out front. He was smoking an old wooden tobacco pipe with intricate symbols on it, but what he was smoking was a strange alien green plant. Malachi remembered that smell form his college years. The old man shot a glance at them with the piercing eyes of an eagle, “Everything you do and say affects the world. You two always remember that.”
“We will thank you,” Ashley smiled at him, and said quickly “4:20 special please.”
“He quickly slipped her a Ziploc bag in exchange for some bills. “God bless you,” she said.
"What is that Ashley? What did you just do?”
“Shhh…. Malachi. Please be quiet. Oh man, you should try some of their middle Eastern food it’s really good.”
“Ashley do you ever have like visions?”
“You mean like when you drink a whole bottle of Tequila?”
“No…Well kinda..i mean no.”
“You should read these books. She shoved a couple of used books in his hands. “Apocalyptic Prophecy and Vision of the End times?”
“Probably a bunch of bullshit, huh? I tell you..."